Tuesday, September 06, 2005

ARMY ARCHERD GHOSTWRITER AVAILABLE

Last Thursday finally marked Army's final regular column, giving him a well-earned rest from the stressful grind of trying to stay vital and topical several decades since he has ceased to be vital and topical, but if consideration is being taken to maintain the franchise with outside support, I'd like to throw my hat into the ring, Goldfinger's Oddjob-style:





GOOD MORNING! First came 'Jeopardy!,' then 'Wheel of Fortune,' and now Merv Griffin has sold another show to King World--this one, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Who-Cares-Where, Men are Yummy!'--will be hosted by Denny Terrio, now willing to "play ball." Though the title is a little offsetting, a giggling Merv assures, "I'm a billionaire hotelier, suck my nuts!"...News of Pam Dawber's tonsilitis has been on the lips of everyone lately, and our good wishes go out to her at this desperate time, toughing it out and finding out who her friends are...the refracted starpower was blinding in a Culver City Del Taco recently when Mssrs. (Frank) Stallone and (Joey) Travolta arrived together to put the finishing touches on a Ponzi Scheme. Joey's not a pilot like fab bro John, but does look forward to regaining his driver's license in a few short weeks. Joey, a born comedian with expert comic timing, quipped "I don't miss the traffic!" And Frank, currently between Muscular Dystrophy Telethon gigs, is rebounding from bad plastic surgery and looking less grotesque than he has in years--Bea Arthur sure thought so!

GLAD TO BE RECOVERING, Martin Lawrence has a new resolution. "No more exercizing while high on freebase," he says. "It'll give me something to look forward to at the end of my workout." Still, he doesn't understand the toll it took on him. "Bobby Brown said it would be no problem!" And speaking of guys who slap the shit out of their superstar singer wives and make up over cocaine, I spotted Ike Turner parking in the blue spots in front of Gelson's. I asked him. "Hey Ike, I didn't know you were handicapped!" "Shut your fuckin' mouf!" came his rejoinder. I crapped my pants!...Bono, Quincy Jones and that guy from the Fugees who looks like he burns more reefer than the D.E.A. are lobbying for the World Bank to forgive trillions in international debt. What SOME PEOPLE will do for third world pussy!

OUT LUNCHING WITH MRS. GENE RAYBURN AND HARVEY KORMAN when we were suddenly wowed by the magic horn of none other than Chuck Mangione, who was on the sidewalk to hype some cash for rock cocaine...and yes, a "Match Game" movie is in the works, you heard it here first...passed the David Hartmans in traffic the other day--hey, slow down and wave, Dave!...Connie Francis's station wagon, ticketed nearby, brought her raging against the "parking Nazis" in our town when she noticed who else but Alan Thicke, passed out in his own mess, ticketed right beside her. I fell out of my chair when she remarked to him, totally improvised, "Are you OK?"...Warning: when Paul Anka asks you to pull his finger, don't do it...Anyone with a quantity of Darvon to sell should contact me through the paper...Good to see Diana Migliore still in town, who I once observed blowing David Niven in the Trocadero coatroom, David handing out coats the whole time, to anyone who saw one he liked...she's a checker at the same Pacoima Sav-On where one might spot Gary Burghoff buying foot creme and someone closely resembling Ned Beattie buying lottery tickets and Malt liquor..

RIP TAYLOR WAS RIPPED OFF OUTSIDE THE FLAMINGO while distractedly fondling a messenger's bicycle seat. Stolen was a suitcase containing his museum-quality collection of buttplugs. A reward is offered. "I'd recognize them, blindfolded and gagged." Why the gag? "It matches the blindfold, natch!" screamed Rip...Barry Williams, tired of being his own worst enemy in this town, is raising $$ for a Musical-Comedy retelling of 'Masada,' which, depending on funds, will either be performed by live actors or puppets...Day 17 in Loretta Swit's resolution to not to upload naked pix of herself onto the internet; this time she's sticking to it...Jan Michael Vincent and Philip Michael Thomas NOT brothers as previously reported; add Paul Michael Glaser and Anthony Michael Hall as also not in the mix...Is that Ken Berry handing out anti-U.N. literature on Pico blvd.?...The sight of Shelly Winters in a strapless orthopaedic gown at Monty's boosted more limp cocks than viagra, and had me standing as tall and taut as Michael Hutchens's necktie...

RICKY MARTIN LOBBYING FOR THE LEAD IN THE RICHARD RAMIREZ BIOPIC--livin' la vida loca indeed! Picture him with a pentagram on his hand and the effect is uncanny. Also making repeated visits to Soledad Prison and Charles Manson is Joyce DeWitt, shaved bald with an 'X' carved in her forehead. Could be a shrewd career move for an actress; he made Sharon Tate a household name!...Bob Evans says producing remains his greatest passion, other than being pissed on by coked-out whores...If anyone can think of a good reason why Alan Cranston shouldn't make a Presidential run, I'd like to hear it...Congrats to Paul Williams, now a high priest in the Church of Satan...If you make a better stool softener, the world will beat a path to your door...

I ASKED LARRY KING howcum he's gotten so many beautiful brides, despite the fact that he's got a face like a cluster of baboons' assholes--"Who else is gonna pay for Prada kotex?" he replied...seems Vicki Lawrence has thrown herself into the full-time study of Esperanto, and to her I say good luck and "Atente, mi esperis ekvidos da vi gemia sur necesejo--kiu fenestro?"...discussing the relative merits of anal electrocution for animal pelts with America's comic voice, Jimmie Walker...John Davidson stars in a one-man stage show of 'Notes From Underground' running week-to-week in the Quad City area, so if you're in Moline...Was saddened to learn Tom Bosley made anti-Arab (and Black!) remarks in a dispute over change with the cashier at the Woodman Car Wash; also spotted there was big ex-Dodger Mike Marshall...

VERONICA SENDS OUT 'ALWAYS AND FOREVER' to Lil' Sleepy, who in turn dedicates 'Cruisin' to all the homey in La Raza...speaking of cruising, has Axl Rose gone back to his gay hustling roots?...Billy Crystal handed me this scoop, he's selling his washer/dryer for $650 firm and "wouldn't dream of splitting them up," har-har...marked the anniversary of Lorne Greene's death with lunch, as per tradish, when Gabe Kaplan, drinking midday and in top form, accosted me to ask why no mentions. I reminded him that I ran that he was actually considering substitute teaching, and then he launched into a hilarious schtick, snapping off jokes as only he can: "You think you're some kind of journalist? That's a joke. It must take a lot of gin to keep THAT delusion humming. Two things I can't remember hearing in this town are 'You're hired!' and 'You've got to read Army Archerd today! How are you supposed to be a relevant voice in an entertainment daily when you wouldn't recognize an actor you didn't see on the Tonight Show when Johnny was still hosting? Your column is the print equivalent of a Jurassic Park for old Goy has-beens and their quote-unquote activities," and then he spit on me for maximum comic effect. I roared with laughter until it was time for my nap!...Congrats to Bubble Factory on snapping up the movie rights to 'Alf'...

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1:02 AM  

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